Choices

Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.

Did you know that Happiness & Misery are both choices? For so long while I was growing up, I just thought that with JOY came pain. I figured it was automatic, and really no way of escaping it. Anytime I felt “depressed”, or “hurt” , or “sad”…. I would say to myself that I HAD to allow it to run it’s course. I really battled with this self inflicted reality after I lost my son as a teenager. After his death, I just figured that I was “cursed” the remainder of my life to think of “what could have been.” I remember on his 1st birthday after his death, I was “automatically ” sad. I woke up that morning PREPARING to mourn. Later that night my grandmother asked if I wanted to go to a social with her at church and I gave the excuse that “it was my son’s birthday” figuring that she would understand that I HAD TO BE SAD because I HAD TO MOURN over his death. My Nana’s reply was “WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE COST OF TEA IN CHINA?” And I grew so angry with her for not understanding. She herself had lost a baby at the same age as I, so I figured if anyone knew my “pain” it would surely be her! Right?

So I spent many years sad on February 22. DECIDING that that day would be MY day to be “sad” NO MATTER HOW I TRULY FELT! It has took a while to understand that I DECIDED to be miserable. Mind you, I am by no means saying I should be blissful for my son’s death, but what has happened has happened, and the past can not be replayed…so why hold on to the guilt and the pain and the hurt? (I thought this was my “burden”) Makes no sense. There is good in every lesson, in EVERY situation if you would just be willing to open your eyes and LOOK, TRULY LOOK at what lies in front of you.

Reflecting BRIEFLY on my past, I can truly say that I am THANKFUL to have been pulled through that situation. The path that I was set upon after my son’s death would never have been revealed to me had it not happened. I learned strength and compassion. I learned TRUTH & LIGHT! I MET SOME OF THE GREATEST PEOPLE THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. My best friends all came into my life AFTER my son’s death. Keya, Ivy, Stephanie, Erik and Jamicah! I HAVE HAD SOME OF THE BEST EXPERIENCES ANYONE COULD HAVE ASKED FOR including BEING MY SON’S MOTHER however brief it may have been. I honestly could not be any happier, any more blissful, or anymore thankful for my life….and I NOW UNDERSTAND EXACTLY what my Nana was saying to me that night. You see I chose to be angry at her comment believing that she understood that I HAD to be sad and depressed on my son’s birthday because she had lost a child and could UNDERSTAND how I felt……..but because she had lost a child and made a choice OF HAPPINESS…she made a CHOICE OF LIFE AND HOPE AND LOVE AND COMPASSION (and ended up with 7 other children of her own and 1 adopted) she was doing her best to assist me in RE-DECIDING and CHOOSING MY HAPPINESS over MY PAIN!

In the end, I CHOSE HAPPINESS!

It’s never too late to make a NEW decision. I am living proof, and I am thankful!

Here’s wishing you a day of NEW CHOICES!