Secrets of the Heart

Love here in the human form is a crazy thing. We "fall" in and we "fall" out...and there are no rules. No handbook to get you through. Sometimes I wish there were. Sometimes I wish there was a 12 step manual to show you the way.

For as long as I can remember....even back to my first "love"....no man that I have ever loved has been "ready" for me. I've always been 10 steps ahead of men when it comes to how I love. The thing is that I've never known what it was about me that frightened them so much until now. I remember saying all the time that no matter what the circumstance was for my break-ups, I could not and would not allow this world to change me in any way. Especially when it comes to the love that I have to give. It's so unconditional and so selfless, and so strong that it rarely is reciprocated.

Now as I am under going this spiritual journey, I understand that it was never me. I understand that I am and will continue to stand strong on the premise that LOVE is me. Just as it is you and everyone. It makes my heart smile to know that even when I didn't know what was so "different" about the way I LOVE that I never allowed myself to be changed. Scarred so much that I was incapable of allowing another in.

Now the "pain" I feel as a result of continuously losing people because they are not "ready" for me is a different story. This is a new part of my discovery. It gets very lonely on this road at times, but even still I MUST stay the course.

I was talking to my mother earlier and was explaining to her that I feel "crazy" almost because I am still "in love" with someone I said good bye to a while ago. I explained that I feel almost "stupid" for keeping myself in this place, but my feet won't move. In my younger days, it never hurt this bad, or lasted this long and now it's uncharted territory. Something so new. Something I have to learn to get through. I think I have been doing a good job of disguising my true feelings, and then at other times I feel like the biggest failure. It's really even funny that I am posting this about my true feelings because I feel so bad I am almost ashamed at still being in this place. I just can't explain this overwhelming feeling that we are just not done. That there is more to be written. This relationship was just so different from the rest, and I am aware that that is cliche to say, but it was. There was so much peace and joy. So many laughs and so much communication, and just like that it was gone. FEAR of me stopped it in it's tracks, and I remain baffled at how he was strong enough to just walk away when it was so good. Even when we speak briefly now there is so much energy shared between simple words....it's mind blowing....but still we are nothing.

I've even tried to date other people, and then when I involve the Source in my decision they vanish. I am quite THANKFUL for that however lonely I may get.

One of my bff's sent me an India Irie cd when I was going through a very hard time with an ex of mine. It was a very tumultuous relationship filled with a ton of abuse, both mental and physical. However, he deserves no energy on page only forgiveness.The song went like this:

"I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I learn, the less I understand..and all the things I thought I knew I have to learn again. I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart seems to shatter...but I know it's about FORGIVENESS. Even if, you don't LOVE me anymore."

I think that sums it up.

When I'm alone in my room at night, and the tears begin to flow and I can feel his arms wrap around me....when I can smell his skin next to mine....and I laugh through the tears ......I forgive.When our many favorite songs come across my ipod, I FORGIVE. When thoughts of him consume my mind....I FORGIVE. No matter how long it takes, I will continue to forgive. That's all I can do, but it's so much, and it's within my power to do...and so I will.

LOVE & LIGHT

YOU have what it takes.....

They say that Motivation is like bathing.....it must be done daily. When you think about it like that it seems to make better sense.

We as a species have to do a better job of motivating ourselves. Rising up, like a Phoenix to hit the ground running happy and full of energy. We shouldn't wait around for others to motivate us, they will simply be lighting a dim light....but it's up to us to carry the torch.

Focus less on the negative and more on the positive. List all the many things that you are thankful and grateful for to begin to shift your mind's state. Look up quotes. Share them. We are here to be in service. Find some books that speak to your soul. We are here to lift others up as high as we are. WE ARE NOT HERE TO GET HIGH, WE ARE HERE TO GET FREE. And so every moment of everyday we should be filled to the brim with goodness and hope, and we should share those feelings with all those around us.

Motivation doesn't have to be hard, it just has to be done. Anything in life will be what you say it will be. The sooner you are able to wrap your head around that statement, the sooner your life will become abundant and a joy to live.

As we embark upon these daily adventures, we must motivate ourselves to pull the positive out of ALL situations. We must be a vessel of LIGHT. Leaders. Warriors of hope. We were given "strong" shoes for our difficult situations, so we were never abandoned...never lab rats.....never tested.....never "tried".... we are in control of the lives we lead.


Feel JOY.
Feel LIGHT.
Feel HOPE.
Feel ABUNDANCE.
Feel SUPERIOR.
Feel VICTORIOUS.
Feel the motivation coursing through every fiber of your being.


LET GO of the feelings you learned in the past that haven't served you well, AND FEEL GOOD about this very moment. Then when you get these feelings deep inside, way down into your soul...SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS.

That's all you have to do. Don't wait for someone else to lift you up. They may very well need you to lift them up. Be the captain of your own ship. The master of your own plan. You were given EVERYTHING you need to be the best you can by the SUPREME SOURCE of the Universe. Now all you have to do is BELIEVE it to be true, and SO IT IS!

LOVE & LIGHT

February 22, 1997

It doesn't seem that long ago really. Everyone that I remind agrees.
13 years ago today I was in the hospital and had just given birth to my son. His name was Steven Patrick. I say "was" because two weeks later, he passed on into the spiritual world.

It used to be very hard for me to deal with today. I remember I would have to prepare myself prior to 2/22 and work on my strength days before this day was ever here, but today it's a bit different. It's as if today.....13 years later....I can wrap my head around the entire situation with no tears. No sorrow. Naturally, I still go thru the "what would he look like" moments, but it seems to all make sense.

My son came to me at a "fork in the road" time in my life. I was in love with his father who was my first love, and it only made sense that I woul spend my life with him. I had already planned my life out, but the Creator had something else in store for me. Funny how your plans are nothing compared to the Divine plans for your life.

So today, I think it best to speak on strength. Pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, and even knowing without a shadow of a doubt that regardless of the trials you have been thru in your past...YOU ARE STILL HERE FOR A REASON. I often wonder what my life would be like had my son not come and made me take that "right" when I was surely going to go "left." I wonder what life would be like had I not met Keya and Ivy and Stephanie and Erik and Jamicah and Myra and Krystal.....really most of you who follow my blog came into my life AFTER I took the "right" in the fork in the road. What if I had given up. It's almost comical now as I look back on my life, but many times after his death I did my best to give up....but some inner voice, something greater than myself would not allow it. When I would sit in darkness, as I did many times the two years afterward, something would whisper "it will all make sense one day. It's NOT your time to throw in the towel"...and I would find myself, the shadow of who I was, still pushing on thru.

I lost an innocent part of me during the two years after my son died. My smile seemed to grow dim, my laugh was not as loud....but I kept pushing thru. I remember my Nana would say to me all the time, "You may want to die, but if the Lord wants you here....you'll be here." And "here" I AM.

So instead of focusing on such a tragic loss in life, my spirit chose to look at LIFE and be thankful. I am so thankful for the inner strength that I was given. For the whispers that came upon deaf ears....for the understanding...for the firendships that developed....for the LOVE I witness.....for everything that died in me...only to be born again BETTER AND GREATER THAN BEFORE. I am thankful that I am here....and I am super thankful that my son helped me get here.

Never give up.
Never give up.
NEVER
EVER
EVER....
GIVE UP!

What looks like the end all be all today....is merely just the beginning of the birth of greatness tomorrow, and don't kid yourself, YOU ARE GREAT despite your current circumstance! Despite your current hardships. If you would just make a shift and turn that negative into a positive, you've already won!

LOVE & LIGHT

FOR KYLE - thank you for the encouragement

I send out a morning text message on a daily basis, and sometimes I get pretty drained while deciding what the right message is to send out to the 26...and counting....people that I contact first thing in the morning. Sometimes, as a result, my blog is neglected.

A great friend and "brother" of mine that I met during a "mission" with the M.O.V.E.M.E.N.T (www.myspace.com/thepplsm.o.v.e.m.e.n.t) named Kyle corresponds with me on email. He contacted me today and asked where my new post was. LOL. I felt a little bad. A lot of times, I don't think that people even really follow this thing. It feels good to know that they do. Keeps me on my toes.

At this very moment, I am super exhausted. Sleep has not been a friend of mine for about the past week. I don't know. Many times the Source is transmitting and I am just not listening. I have been waking up at around 4am and staying up. I do my meditation and prayer work.....and I believe that today it has caught up with me.

BUT I STILL GOT A MESSAGE. I'd like to share with you the text that I sent out today. It is as follows:

Drop the idea of becoming "somebody." You are already a masterpiece. You are a fearless spiritual being able to create the greatest human experience you choose to have. I declare you victorious and courageous. Abundant and sustained! Fearless in all you do! You are the rhyme and the reason. You can be nothing less, you need only to embrace your power and believe!

Yea, I know...it's pretty long. However, some days I don't feel it's long enough. I just want the world to be aware of the power within them. No ONE IS POWERLESS, and so no one should feel as if this is their lot in life and that they have no control over what happens to them.

You are creating yourself every moment of everyday. It doesn't matter if you believe that, because it is a truth that can not be taken away. So today I say, rise up and use your power to create the best you you can be!

LOVE & LIGHT

Birds of a Feather

You've all heard the saying "Birds of a feather flock together." Well it's true. Think about it. When you are around your friends and they are angry, you become angry at their situation and project your anger onto the person they are angry with. I'm not sure why we have a belief that if we agree with their anger, they will somehow feel better. Really when you think about it, it makes absolutely NO SENSE. All we are doing when we add our "thought" with those who are angry, negative, disappointed etc... is fueling the fire of an illusion.

Don't get me wrong, hard times will come. However, is there really comfort in having someone join you in your misery? Are you growing when your friends agree that you should be livid? What do you really get from of this?

I've been abundantly blessed with friends who don't just agree with me for the sake of agreeing. They've always been pretty honest with me, and most times when I'm feeling down, they do their best to lift me up. If I have only fifty cents left to my name, they add another fifty cents so I'll have $1.

It's so important for us to surround ourselves with people who will celebrate you NO MATTER WHAT. People who can see their way through any hardship, and instead of asking debilitating questions such as "why did this happen to me?" (like we all have done so many times before) they ask "what am I to learn from this?" And thus turn a negative into a positive.

It's a new day! A new year! There is new hope and bliss just lingering around you. take advantage! Survey your life and the people within. REALLY LOOK! Let no one be exempt from this. You may have to let some people go. You may have to be stronger for the weak ones in your life. Whatever the case, don't be afraid to stand on the grounds of hope and happiness. It may not be necessary for you to exclude people from your life, but it is vital that you exclude negativity. After all, negativity is contagious...but so is HOPE! So is HAPPINESS! So is SUCCESS! So is LOVE! SO is REAL LIVING!

Find some dreamers to surround yourself with. People who will build you up and celebrate your victories....even when you don't see them yourself. Find people who will celebrate you in all of your splendor and glory. And for those who lag behind, BE THEIR EXAMPLE.

I believe in you!

LOVE & LIGHT

THE CHOSEN ONE!

This morning I ran across this quote

"Each time you remember the truth of who you are, you bring more light into the world."
and it spoke volumes to my heart! EACH TIME YOU REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE....who you TRULY are, you bring more light into this world, that would otherwise be extremely dim.

So what does it mean? To me, it means that who you are, to your core...who you were created to be is exactly what this world needs at this point in time. It is NO coincidence that you are a part of this world, this continent, this time. You have been placed in exactly the right place at the right moment. In essence, THIS IS YOUR TIME! This is what you were created for! No matter your present circumstance, no matter the trials and tribulations you feel you go through, there is something so extraordinarily needed from you. THE WORLD has been waiting just for YOU! Now that's got to make you feel GREAT! It's got to reach something on the inside!

Without you, this world would not be the same. Perhaps without YOU, some cataclysmic disaster would occur just because your existence was no where to be found. Bless in that! Bless in the fact that you are unique. THERE IS NO ONE LIKE YOU! Absolutely NO ONE who could bring your gifts into this world. You are an original. One of a kind. BRILLIANT and extraordinary in every way, no matter your faults. YOU ARE CHOSEN.

This also means that NO ONE has power over you. You have only a choice....will you be who you were created to be? Or will you fall "victim" (a word I despise) to this world. Will you be brave enough to stand alone on certain principles? Will you be strong enough to stand up for what is right? Will you have faith enough to KNOW you create your life, YOU create your destiny? Or will you wallow in your sorrows and despair?

So now that you understand that, it's time to get on your job. It's time to be YOU, and make no apologies for doing so. It's time to GROW. To achieve the impossible. To do away with all of these man made laws and become the best YOU that you can be! YOU have the power, being created in the image of the Creator....you have the power to create! You are co-creator with the Divine. You're not, nor have you ever been "normal" or "average".....YOU ARE BEYOND A CONQUEROR! And it is time to stand up, and simply BE YOU!

LOVE & LIGHT

FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL

FEAR is a funny thing. The acronym used to describe the reality of F.E.A.R is "FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL." It can be describe like so. Remember the "bogeyman". That childhood monster that lived either in your closet or under your bed, who only appeared when you were all alone in the dark. Some nights your parents would have to come into your bedroom, cut on the lights , and look in all of the places that frightened you. That would calm you down for a moment. However, the older you became, the more you realized that the "figures" you saw in the night were nothing more than the shadows of the things in your bedroom. The "idea" that you had created of this evil character really only existed in your mind, and the older you became the less energy that character received.....until eventually the character just vanished and became this huge joke.

FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL

Life can be like that sometimes. We seem to find these "bogeymen" everywhere we turn. We make things so much more bigger in our minds than they really are. When adversity strikes, we surround ourselves in darkness, and oftentimes forget that we are powerful beyond measure. POWERFUL beyond belief, if we would only stretch our wings an fly.

After all, the "bogeyman" doesn't really exist....So cut the lights back off, and go to sleep.

LOVE & LIGHT

BE

Be aware. Walk around PAYING ATTENTION to the "signs" in your way. Take notice of the world around you. The colors, the brilliance, the love. See the good, and BE able to release the bad. BE kind. BE patient. Help someone less fortunate than you. Even with simple things. BE able to smile at a stranger, even when they have a permanent frown swung across their face. BE available to help, BE willing to help. This world needs you. BE courageous to BE you. You were born an original, don't BE so fearful that you die a copy. Don't BE concerned with society and it's standards. BE intelligent enough to understand that they aren't real. BE open to change and movement. BE brilliant. BE happy. How could you not BE? You were born happy, not weary because you were born in "sin"....you were programmed from the start, BE awake enough to BE able to UNLEARN.BE consistent. BE accountable for your actions. BE who you say you are. BE ALIVE! With open arms, invite LIGHT into your every movement, you're every step. BE luminous. BE AMAZING. BE GREAT. BE YOU.
JUST BE.

LOVE & LIGHT

Anger

Anger is a nasty little thing, hurting only the person who is angry. I've always been quick to become upset with someone....and even quicker to hold on to a grudge. Funny how people are praised and even justified in their anger. That's just how powerful anger is. It can turn people into monsters. It can cloud your judgement. It can pull you in like no body's business.

I get angry with people. I'm not immune to this, but now I do my best to see clearly through the situation as to not stay angry for a long period of time. I've learned that through releasing angry I am able to sleep better. To cope better. To really just live better. Nothing derives from anger but more anger and in the end that's really NOTHING.

Today, I prefer to release the anger I've held onto consciously and subconsciouly. People in this world owe me nothing. Holding onto a grudge doesn't bond them with me or keep them close....I'd prefer to let it all go.

After all, I like to sleep soundly.

LOVE & LIGHT