Love here in the human form is a crazy thing. We "fall" in and we "fall" out...and there are no rules. No handbook to get you through. Sometimes I wish there were. Sometimes I wish there was a 12 step manual to show you the way.
For as long as I can remember....even back to my first "love"....no man that I have ever loved has been "ready" for me. I've always been 10 steps ahead of men when it comes to how I love. The thing is that I've never known what it was about me that frightened them so much until now. I remember saying all the time that no matter what the circumstance was for my break-ups, I could not and would not allow this world to change me in any way. Especially when it comes to the love that I have to give. It's so unconditional and so selfless, and so strong that it rarely is reciprocated.
Now as I am under going this spiritual journey, I understand that it was never me. I understand that I am and will continue to stand strong on the premise that LOVE is me. Just as it is you and everyone. It makes my heart smile to know that even when I didn't know what was so "different" about the way I LOVE that I never allowed myself to be changed. Scarred so much that I was incapable of allowing another in.
Now the "pain" I feel as a result of continuously losing people because they are not "ready" for me is a different story. This is a new part of my discovery. It gets very lonely on this road at times, but even still I MUST stay the course.
I was talking to my mother earlier and was explaining to her that I feel "crazy" almost because I am still "in love" with someone I said good bye to a while ago. I explained that I feel almost "stupid" for keeping myself in this place, but my feet won't move. In my younger days, it never hurt this bad, or lasted this long and now it's uncharted territory. Something so new. Something I have to learn to get through. I think I have been doing a good job of disguising my true feelings, and then at other times I feel like the biggest failure. It's really even funny that I am posting this about my true feelings because I feel so bad I am almost ashamed at still being in this place. I just can't explain this overwhelming feeling that we are just not done. That there is more to be written. This relationship was just so different from the rest, and I am aware that that is cliche to say, but it was. There was so much peace and joy. So many laughs and so much communication, and just like that it was gone. FEAR of me stopped it in it's tracks, and I remain baffled at how he was strong enough to just walk away when it was so good. Even when we speak briefly now there is so much energy shared between simple words....it's mind blowing....but still we are nothing.
I've even tried to date other people, and then when I involve the Source in my decision they vanish. I am quite THANKFUL for that however lonely I may get.
One of my bff's sent me an India Irie cd when I was going through a very hard time with an ex of mine. It was a very tumultuous relationship filled with a ton of abuse, both mental and physical. However, he deserves no energy on page only forgiveness.The song went like this:
"I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I learn, the less I understand..and all the things I thought I knew I have to learn again. I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart seems to shatter...but I know it's about FORGIVENESS. Even if, you don't LOVE me anymore."
I think that sums it up.
When I'm alone in my room at night, and the tears begin to flow and I can feel his arms wrap around me....when I can smell his skin next to mine....and I laugh through the tears ......I forgive.When our many favorite songs come across my ipod, I FORGIVE. When thoughts of him consume my mind....I FORGIVE. No matter how long it takes, I will continue to forgive. That's all I can do, but it's so much, and it's within my power to do...and so I will.
LOVE & LIGHT
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